um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
