I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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