masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Please don't give away my fajitas
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