Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
