I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
