I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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