tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We need to get me chipped asap
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
