Fuck appropriateness.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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