I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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