Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
