Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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