I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
