I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
