Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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