My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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