oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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