highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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