God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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