I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
