I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
