hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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