My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
