I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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