I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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