I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
