I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
