You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
