oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
