I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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