The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
