Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
