Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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