sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
