So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
