Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
