Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
