what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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