CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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