Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Fuck appropriateness.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
