He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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