I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Four minutes until I can fart!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
