no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
