I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
