You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
