My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
