6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Operation Purity has been aborted
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
