I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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