My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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