he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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