i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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