So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
