I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
