FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
