dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
