Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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