Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
