Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
