Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
