bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
