Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
