I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
